Wednesday, April 20, 2005

All the World's a Party

Hey, I'm at this crazy party down the block.

The US is the biggest and most outgoing guy in house: drinking from the keg, accidently bumping other people's drinks and although he means well he's already been in a fight tonight.....he ended up beating down the other guy. Canada is known as the one guy who tries to be cool with everyone, but everyone knows his one friend-the US-is the same guy Canada pisses on the most. Who wants to be tight with a guy like that? Besides, after Canada stopped going to the gym after WW2, the guy is not looking too hot.

France is that one guy who leads his own clique (Europe), but also has hookups with other groups, like the Arabs and the Asians. If you are up to no good, he'll be that guy who will point you in the right (wrong) direction. Generally speaking, he is on the fringes of all the bad activity, but the guy is never found in the middle of any battles. (Ha! I know why though...the last billion times he has rumbled, he has been worked.) France is tying hard to chill with China: He wants to do some joint beer runs, gang up behind the US' back and stir up some trouble.

Meanwhile, the second hugest guy in the spot (Japan) is staring into his own alcohol free punch (he gave up the juice a while ago). He's friends with the US, but probably the least outgoing guy in the bunch. He's known to stay in his own house in the boonies, quietly mind his own place and just stay out everyone's business. He's only talked to a few people in the party, and while he is friendly to everybody, beneath the surface he is more concerned with his own deal than the outer world.

The problem is that he wasn't always that way.

At one point, he lived in town and hooked up with the baddest of the town's baddass juvenile delinquents: Germany. Germany stole cars, beat in heads and did time in juvie before getting his head straight. Japan had Germany's back and generally did some serious damage, kicking in the heads of all his puny Far East neighbours before the US beat Japan to within an inch of his life. You know the expression "fight till you're friends"? The US and Japan have been there and back.

For its part, Germany has grown into a some big ol' leftie who is now so ridiculously self righteous considering his past, he makes your eyes roll immediately as he starts into a speech about how the US should 'totally share more of his beer'. He totally overcompensates for his nasty past and has made amends with his old fighting buddies...He can say that for the most part he actually gets along with everybody. He and France frickin' drink 3 nights a week together. Even the tough Middle Eastern dudes in the house leave him alone.

Japan never really talked to his neighbours after he beat them up. There was a time a while back when he mumbled a half-assed apology to China about all that "**** that happened when I was really ****ed up back in '37", but China didn't really hear him right, so they still don't talk much. Unfortunately, China friggin' holds a grudge like a mofo. He is still pissed at Russia for that beef back in the '60's.

Anyways, since Japan went crazy on China, China has totally ditched his weak ass pipes and started working out and growing into One Big Dude. He has grown up pissed at Japan and is starting to feel like he needs to settle scores. He's been mean face grillin' on Japan since he stepped through the door. China is pretty loaded now: he's drained a 2-6 of Crown, and is talking loudly about "what a lil' bitch Japan is" and how he'd like to "tune his ass".

Japan has been in AA for a while, but feels like he should tie one on and maybe take a shot at China.

We're at the point in the night where things are a little tense at this party, hombre: Either there's going to be a brawl involving Taiwan, the US, Japan and China, or else its going to blow over so these fools can go have fun with a beer bong or two. Myself, I'm hoping that a mutual friend talks to them both so Japan and China can apologize to each other and be cool....otherwise its going to be a complete gong show on the lawn.

No comments: