Neal Pollack
This guy is just about the funniest writer around when he applies himself-funny to me, anyway:

On the left...
This is meant to pre-empt any criticism of my appearance tonight on the Dennis Miller, CNBC, 9 and midnight Eastern. Yes, when my segment ends, I do stand up, and it does look like I stick my hand down my pants, thrust my crotch toward the camera, and move my hand in a rhythmic clockwise motion for at least 30 seconds. But let the debate end here. I had a testicular itch. I was not pleasuring myself. It usually takes me at least a half-hour to come down from the high of appearing on television to get an actual erection.

Two years ago he wrote the funniest thing I'd ever read....I can't find it, but his archives are killer!